Preparing to Talk About Death With Your Child

There are a few conversations in a child's life you know will happen.  Going into this pandemic, I knew eventually I would need to talk with my children about the death of a loved one.  It's a topic we don't want to think about, but we know we will have to face with our children at some point.  How can we talk about something we have trouble facing our self?

Well, this week came that discussion. 

As a parent I took time to remember and prepare myself that everyone handles grief differently.  One child wanted to avoid any and all mention of it.  My other child said simply, "Everyone dies.  We'll see him in heaven." Kids also have a way of being blunt about things!  I myself thought about what it was I treasured in that person, prayed for them, and wanted closure by attending the funeral.  Allow the sadness.  After all, how else will they know true joy, if they have not experiences sadness and loss? No way is the right way.  We are all facing it in our own way.

Secondly, we have to be real with our children.  We don't want our children to be sad.  However, it is healthy and beneficial to be able to experience and handle a wide range of emotions.  Sometimes we may want to sugar coat something like a death. It is important to talk to our children at an age appropriate level.  We need to use the words death and dead to show the use of those words appropriately (not the Minecraft, "You died").  In the case of a real death, our children will be okay and will build resilience to life's disappointments and losses.  As my one son reminded me, "Death is a part of life." 

Our children are watching us and how we grieve.  Set an example with grace.  It is okay to allow your child to see you cry.  Cry with them.  For whatever faith you hold, go through the rituals that your religion uses in the passing from this world.  Do not be afraid to have them attend the funeral, but be prepared and prepare them for what will happen (like if there is an open casket), and of course discuss appropriate behavior at a funeral.  For mine, the first time they experienced the death of someone they knew, we only attended the funeral or memorial and not the visitation (mostly because I didn't know if it would be an open casket).  I knew my children would not be prepared to see a dead person in front of them.  But as they grew, a time came, this week for them to see the person-and they were prepared.  

Please read online resources.  I am not a professional.  I am a mom trying to navigate this time like everyone else.  But I turn to resources like Psychology Today who wrote a great article called The Do's and Don'ts of Talking With Your Child About Death.  Take time to read it, digest it, and understand what it is saying.  Because when you are in the conversation, you need to have those do's and don'ts in your mind.

The best thing to do now is prepare and be ready so when it is something you have to talk to your child about, you are ready.